The Taboo of Marrying Young

In the Jane Austen novels (uh... not that I...uh... I ever read... nevermind) there was a social stigma slapped onto every woman marrying late in life. Marry soon and marry young! That was every woman's drive.

Today, not so. Parents, grandparents, teachers, and sociologists are encouraging young whippersnappers like me to wait, to experience life, to enjoy singleness, to grow into the man I'm going to be, to get me education, and then consider settling down and getting hitched. The social taboo has almost made a complete turnaround.

As someone who married young (at least relatively in today's society, I was 22 and my wife was 21) I really appreciated the latest opinion piece in the WSJ. David Lapp, the author, and his wife married at the exact same age as my wife and I. In his article, he takes the "marry late" advice head-on.

He tackles the four main reasons given for marrying later in life.

1) Financial. Don't get married young, wait and save up money and get yourself financially established.

What about the money? Social scientists use the term "marriage premium" to describe how, over time, married couples save and build more wealth than otherwise-similar singles or cohabiting couples. Part of the reason is simply that married couples have two incomes to pool and draw from. But as a group of leading family scholars notes in "Why Marriage Matters," a report published by the Institute for American Values, marriage itself appears to encourage thrifty behavior. It makes sense: Knowing that my spending and savings habits affect not just me but also my wife and future family, I'm more likely to set a budget, pack a lunch, and put some money in savings instead of buying that new iPhone. The upshot is that my wife and I are able to pay off our college debt more quickly than we could by ourselves.

2) More likely to get divorced the younger you get married (so says the culture)

While it's true that teenage marriages are a significant predictor of divorce, it turns out that marriages of people in their early to mid-20s are not nearly as much at risk. According to a 2002 report from the Centers for Disease Control, 48% of people who enter marriage when under age 18, and 40% of 18- and 19-year-olds, will eventually divorce. But only 29% of those who get married at age 20 to 24 will eventually divorce—very similar to the 24% of the 25-and-older cohort. In fact, Hispanics who marry between the ages of 20 and 24 actually have a greater likelihood of marital success (31% chance of divorce) than those who first marry at age 25 and older (36% chance of divorce).

3) You need to wait because you need to explore and experienec the world

It's a false dichotomy [staying single and having adventure versus getting married and having none]. Instead of trekking to Africa or exploring Rome alone, why not marry the person of your dreams and take him or her along? What about discovering, as the characters Carl and Ellie in Disney Pixar's "Up" do, the good of marital friendship? While they never fulfill their dream of traveling together to South America (their jug of nickels and dimes labeled "Paradise Falls" is shattered with every flat tire and emergency-room visit), they do experience the joy of life together: renovating their home as newlyweds, picnicking and cloud-gazing on lazy summer afternoons, dancing in their candlelit living room after 50 years of marriage.

As focused as we young adults are on self-development, what if the path to that development is actually learning to live with and love another person? We may be startled to find that the greatest adventure lies not in knowing oneself as much as in knowing and committing to another person.

4) Waiting will ensure that you pick the right spouse and you'll be happier in the longrun.

[A] recent study by family scholars at the University of Texas finds that people who wed between the ages of 22 and 25, and remained married to those spouses, went on to experience the happiest marriages. While the authors caution against suggesting that 22 to 25 is the optimal marrying age for everyone, their finding does suggest that "little or nothing is likely to be gained by deliberately delaying marriage beyond the mid twenties." ...

Did I get married too young? I may not have the freedom to globetrot at my own leisure or to carouse at a bar late into the night. But when I step into our 500-square-foot one-bedroom apartment, warmly lighted and smelling of fresh flowers and baked bread, I do have the freedom to kiss my beautiful wife and best friend—the woman I pledged to always love and cherish, and to raise a family with. I have no regrets.

I'm not sure from this article whether David Lapp is a Christian or not. But as a Christian who has recently been through the experience of courting, engagement, and marriage, I could certainly add other reasons why getting married younger is, at times, not only acceptable but even wise. We'll save that for another blog post.

The point here is not that everyone should get married at 21. I'm not the one to say. But what I am arguing for (in this post, from purely pragmatic reasons) that all of you readers who have discouraged people from getting married because they are young, haven't experienced the world, and need to wait to make sure they aren't marrying the wrong person, perhaps you have been led and/or have led astray.

Check out his complete article here.

How John Piper Convinced Me to Love "Interracial" Marriages

I don't know exactly what spurred me to post this today. I was reading my Bible in Ezra and thinking briefly about Ezra's rebuke of some Israelites inter-marrying with local pagans. I know that such passages have led to a lot of folks, particularly in previous generations, justifying their anti-interracial marriage position.

I would like to point out something that is patently obvious in the Biblical text if one is willing to read it: intermarriage with other nations and people groups was forbidden by God on theological grounds, not socio-political grounds. In other words, the Israelite nation was marked off as the adopted ones of God. They were a kingdom of priests to God. The other nations were in rebellion against that same God. To marry them is to join yourself to them. And thus, to marry them would be to join yourself (yoke yourself Paul says) to unbelief. That is why it was forbidden. Because more than likely, it would lead to spiritual apostasy (as it did on numerous occasions, most notably for King Solomon).

So once again, God forbade those marriages because they were between believers and unbelievers, regenerate and unregenerate. NOT because they were of different nationality, skin color, language, etc. In fact, if one of those people from the other nations became an adopted child of God (like say, Rahab the Harlot), they were free to marry. Is that not clear?

I was raised in a town with moderate hostility between black and white folks. There were many black students bussed into my school. I said my fair share of "black jokes" in my day. And so, when I became a Christian, much of that continued with me. I continued to softly oppose interracial marriages, mainly on pragmatic grounds. "It's hard on the children." "Society doesn't understand."

It wasn't until John Piper (and if you're keeping score, you'll notice that same refrain over and over in my spiritual life) preached on this subject that my assumptions were challenged.

I have included here a link to an excellent sermon by Piper on this very subject. Read it (or listen to it) and be challenged! Here is the outline of his argument:

1. All "races" have one ancestor in the image of God, and all humans are in God's image
2. The Bible forbids intermarriage between unbeliever and believer, but not between "races"
3. In Christ our oneness is profound and transforms racial and social differences from barries to blessings
4. Criticizing one interracial marriage was severely disciplined by God
5. Closing Implications
   1. Opposition to interracial marriage is one of the deepest roots of racial distance, disrespect, and hostility.
   2. Christ does not call us to a prudent life, but to a God-centered, Christ-exalting, justice-advancing, counter-cultural, risk-taking life of love and courage. Will it be harder to be married to another race, and will it be harder for the kids? Maybe. Maybe not. But since when is that the way a Christian thinks? Life is hard. And the more you love the harder it gets.
   3. Christians are people who move toward need and truth and justice, not toward comfort and security. Life is hard. But God is good. And Christ is strong to help.
   4. At Bethlehem [Piper's church] we will not underestimate the challenges of interracial marriage or transracial adoption (they go closely together). We will celebrate the beauty, and we will embrace the burden. Both will be good for us and good for the world and good for the glory of God.

Sunday's Sermon - A paper on divorce

This coming Sunday (the 27th) I'll be preaching from Mark 10:1-12. There Jesus takes the issue of divorce and remarriage head on. It seems that it was as difficult and controversial a subject in his day as in ours.

I will be referring to a position paper written by John Piper on this very issue. I strongly encourage everyone to read it. It is an incredibly convincing argument from Scripture. And that's what ultimately matters. I don't want everyone to come at me next week with, "Well I understand what you're saying but I think..." No, let's talk first and foremost about what Scripture says. This paper will challenge you to do just that.

Here is the link

When Less Is More

John Piper wrote a poem to his son for his wedding day back in '95 called "Love Her More and Love Her Less". (Check out the poem here.)

In Piper prose, he calls his son repeatedly to love his new bride more: love her more than wealth, more than friends, ease, sex, art, and fame. "Love her more than breath...Go love her as your earthly best." So love her more.

But he goes on to say:

Beyond this venture not. But, lest
Your love become a fool's facade,
Be sure to love her less than God.

Ever since my wife drew my attention to this poem, I've been aware that Piper was hitting on a distinctively Christian paradox. In so many ways in the Christian life, less is more!

By keeping our spouse (husbands and wives) as our number two, by keeping our Great and Glorious God as our supreme number one in our life, we actually love our spouse more than if we loved them as our number one. Why? Because that would be to make them the object of idolatry. That would be to exalt them above the glory of God. That would be giving them an honor that they cannot maintain, and asking them to fulfill a role that they cannot sustain.

The most loving thing we can do for our wives/husbands is to love them as God has called us and created us to love them. So the most loving thing we can do is love them more than the world and less than God. Love them more by loving them less!

Question for you all: where else do we see this same paradox in the Christian life? Where / when is less more? Please post a comment with your thoughts by clicking on the comment link just underneath this current post.